Single middle-aged matriarch asks her mates for help in finding a man
There's a plethora of ways to find love but none of them are working - what's the answer?
It’s a scientific (and troubling) fact that time goes faster as we get older. One minute we’re lighting the Chanukah candles and seconds later we’re sitting down for a candlelit Valentine’s Day dinner. Or meant to be. Well, it’s here and my internal dialogue has gone into overdrive: “Meh, don’t need all that relationship tzorus! I’m middle-aged, menopausal and moody – stick to volunteering!” But also: “The animals went into the ark two by two, not in friendship groups… better find a man before my memory goes and I forget why I might even want one.”
My lovely matriarch friends and I often complain about how hard it is to find a decent older gentleman. I’ve been half-heartedly looking following my second divorce. Jane (Meryl Streep) and Jake (Pierce Brosnan) got back together for a while after their divorce in It’s Complicated, but I’m looking for a new romance.
My friend Geri says I need a dating strategy. My sister-in-law says to leave no stone unturned. They’re both right. It is hard to meet someone nice, especially if you’re a woman of a certain age, so try everything. And yes, I find a lot of creepy-crawlies under rocks.
Act fast must be part of the strategy, says my colleague Cheryl. Newly-single guys just hook up with the first available female they stumble across. Unlike women, they don’t waste time reflecting and ruminating. Good point. Does it really matter who I choose in the long run? Settle for someone who ticks at least one of my boxes – eg has a well-groomed beard, enjoys chicken soup with matzah balls – and then go for it.
Lie about your age is a must, I discover. Sharp intake of breath. Close (younger) friends warn that a relationship is based on honesty and trust. But here’s the thing. Regardless of their own age or appearance I keep coming across men who assume they can have a woman who is attractive, skinny and much younger. That means I must box clever, shave off a couple of decades, pay for as much surgery as I can afford, borrow my daughter’s wardrobe, and style it out.
Strategy in place, next a plan. First up – online dating. I browse JDate. I like that if someone posts a photo and says they live in Borehamwood I can use my community spies to check they’re kosher. Some of the men can be amusing too: “Looking for someone to grow even older with.” Mind you, I’m pretty fed-up reading: “still have all my own hair and teeth” specially the one who adds: “although both a bit grey now.”
On the downside, JDate men have an annoying tendency to post a photo of themselves with a beautiful young woman (wife, ex-wife, daughter, girlfriend?) and profiles can be a bit scary: “My ideal date is one without any appointments for doctor, hospital, nurse, dentist, physio, consultant, chiropractor or psychologist.” Also, the gene pool is small – when I log in today I see all the same faces I saw six months ago.
Add ‘non-Jewish’ dating site to the plan? The larger ones cater for all cultures and creeds but what Jewish person can define their religious identity in a single tick box? That requires hours of conversation, with shouting. ‘Aaron’ has a good try though, reusing his JDate photo on eHarmony. Identity and passion are clear as he is draped head to toe in an Israeli flag. But I fear he’s just inviting trolling.
Add to the list: try to meet a partner IRL (In Real Life). I’m advised to ask family and friends for introductions. Great idea but am I really going to go back to all those ‘please God by you’ relatives who harassed me in my youth or badgering the shul council? Will they have the first idea what I’m looking for?
Another friend swears by speed-dating. I like this idea. Why spend a whole evening with someone when you can decide that they’re a shlemiel in four minutes. My neighbour Julia tells me it works for her to hang around one of the nicer delis in Temple Fortune and initiate fascinating conversations with anyone who looks vaguely eligible. Go on Naked Attraction? I consider this. Not least because you can easily spot the Jewish men. But no, I’d catch my death of cold. And I know that even channelling my inner Vanessa Feltz I’m a proud introvert and these ideas won’t make it into the plan.
A non-Jewish friend recommends old-fashioned matchmaking services. Strange, as she paid £12,000 to an agency for three completely unsuitable introductions last year. I find a free, new-ish Jewish matchmaking service called We go Together. It caters for clients aged (somewhat randomly) up to 78. I try to register only to receive an email explaining that they are having difficulty finding men…. Welcome to my world! More hopefully, a new Facebook initiative – Jewish Singles Community by Sarah Davies – offers a different approach including group chat, face-to-face events and expert support, so kol hakavod to that!
So I have my strategy, an Excel spreadsheet documenting the details and the battle scars of lived experience. What have I learned?
· God loves a trier. Or, as Churchill said: “When you’re going through hell, keep going.”
· Must maintain a GSOH (that Good Sense of Humour we all refer to on our profiles). When I receive yet another cringey online message from a 23-year-old who “enjoys open-minded older ladies” or have a date that goes horribly wrong, I take a breath, embellish the story and know that next time I meet up with the girls I’ll have their full attention.
· If all else fails, I remind myself that Valentine was an ancient Roman martyr, co-opted by Christianity to be the patron saint of love. So the Rabbi will be quite happy if I ignore Valentine’s Day altogether.
Meet, greet and love
The newly-formed Facebook group Jewish Singles Community Group, spearheaded by lead generator Sarah Davies and supported by well-known matchmaker Genevieve Gresset, has swiftly become a go-to destination for singles navigating the complexities of solo life. In just four months since launch it has garnered more than 1600 members, indicating a strong demand for more than just casual dating discussions.
The group hosts two to three events monthly, including a successful Christmas party with 150 participants. Workshops on personal growth, relationship skills, and interactive seminars are on the agenda, emphasising a different approach to connections. Coaching services, online ice-breaking events, and expert matchmaking have resulted in over 40 couples forming in just four months. The group provides a safe space for those actively seeking a life partner or wanting to expand their social circles, garnering praise for its refreshing and supportive environment.
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