‘A tiny, spry behemoth of a nonagenarian’: Jewish New Yorkers remember Dr Ruth
Fans mourn sex therapist and Holocaust survivor Ruth Westheimer, who died on Friday, aged 96
One of Susan Sapiro’s favourite memories of Dr Ruth Westheimer was a Sukkot dinner in the late 1990s with friends who were in rabbinical school at the Jewish Theological Seminary.
“At the meal, we were very excited to learn that Dr Ruth was the guest of honour,” Sapiro recalled this week. “Chancellor Ismar Schorsch asked her to give a brief d’var Torah before the meal. She came up to the front of the sukkah and in her inimitable voice said, ‘Don’t vorry, chancellor, I’m not going to talk about vat I usually talk about!’”
Sapiro, who lives in White Plains, is among the legions of fans mourning the sex therapist and Holocaust survivor, who died on Friday, aged 96.
As a public figure, Westheimer was known as the spunky and straightforward German-accented arbiter of sex advice. Within her family, she was memorialised Sunday at an intimate funeral as a loving “Mommy” and “Omi” to her two children and four grandchildren.
But among her many fans she was also an iconic New Yorker. After fleeing the Nazis in Germany at age 10, Westheimer lived in Switzerland, Israel and France before moving to Washington Heights in 1956. In New York, she was a tireless woman-about-town — “No event, big or small, could be missed,” said her daughter, Miriam Westheimer — and was frequently seen sitting in the front row at Jewish events.
Among her many Jewish affiliations were serving on the boards of the Museum of Jewish Heritage and Americans for Ben-Gurion University. She also served as the president of the YM-YWHA of Washington Heights and Inwood and was a supporter of HaZamir: The International Jewish Teen Choir.
Among members of New York’s Jewish community, Westheimer is remembered as a kind neighbour and a loyal friend. In fact, it seems that just about everyone has a favourite Dr Ruth anecdote. Readers shared a wealth of responses, detailing her humor, her kindness and her remarkable impact on the world and New York City, in particular.
Reader Gayle Cohen remembers hearing Westheimer use the phrase “You’d better wash that man out of your hair” in the 1980s when a guest on her radio show, Sexually Speaking, shared a story about an abusive or manipulative boyfriend. Cohen kept that advice with her throughout her life, she said.
“Years later, her office was next door to where my son had therapy,” Cohen told the New York Jewish Week. “I told her I remembered her telling me that sentence and she asked me if I listened [to her advice]. I told her yes, but it did take some time. I also told her that I thought of that comment many times over the years when I met people — not just boyfriends, but anyone that was not nice. I would say to myself, ‘You’d better wash that person out of your hair.’ It was very good advice. She said that she loved hearing stories like that and that is what made her keep going on.”
Marian Harper, whose family owned the iconic Carnegie Deli, told the New York Jewish Week that Westheimer often stopped by for a meal. “She gave me good advice which wound up to be true. Her picture hung on the wall of fame. Very special lady indeed,” she said.
Another reader, the singer Isabelle Ganz, told the New York Jewish Week about a joke Westheimer shared at the North American Jewish Choral Festival.
“Dr Ruth told a hilarious story. She said, ‘When CNN came to interview me when my husband [Fred] was still alive, the last question the reporter asked was ‘Dr Ruth, what is YOUR sex life like?’ My husband piped up from the bedroom saying, ‘The shoemaker’s children are barefoot!’” Ganz told us.
Westheimer was an avid music-lover: One of the 40-plus books she wrote was “My Life in Music,” with memories going back to her childhood in Frankfurt, Germany before the Holocaust. In 2008, she was honoured with the Hallel V’Zimrah Award, which honors those who have made an important contribution to Jewish music, from HaZamir. She established a scholarship fund for participants in the choir.
Evelyn Frick, the associate editor of our partner site Hey Alma, interviewed Dr Ruth in 2021 at her apartment as she helped the actress Tovah Feldshuh prepare for her role as Westheimer in the off-Broadway show “Becoming Dr Ruth.”
“Feldshuh wanted to perfect Dr Ruth’s accent and physicality, and so I watched Dr. Ruth pace back and forth, quickly and with intention, across her apartment as Feldshuh studied her. Then, in a moment I’ll never forget, they waltzed. I think Feldshuh provided the music, singing cheerfully, as they made lively steps of three around the living room,” Frick told the New York Jewish Week. “Having witnessed my own grandparents’ decline in recent years, I was gobsmacked by this tiny, spry behemoth of a nonagenarian. It seemed her mental acuity, too, was as sharp as ever.”
That November afternoon, Westheimer shared with Frick and Feldshuh mementos that crowded her apartment: a collection of turtle figurines and paraphernalia, and a miniature statue by Frank Meisler depicting the Kindertransport — the evacuation effort that saved Westheimer and other children during the Holocaust. The window in her dining room overlooked the Hudson River and the Palisades beyond.
“As we all took in the view, Dr Ruth recalled a forgotten memory from her childhood: looking out over Lake Constance as a child from the orphan’s home in Switzerland, and looking directly into Germany. Her home, and the place she could not return,” Frick said. “It was a gift to meet Dr Ruth in her apartment, a place that held both her greatest triumph and a profound sadness that she kept close to her chest.”
On Instagram, Feldshuh shared a video of her and Westheimer dancing in Westheimer’s Washington Heights apartment. “Dancing the dance of life with Dr Ruth. She was a lifter of the human spirit and will be terribly missed,” she wrote in a caption. In another picture of the pair she wrote, “I will miss you so my darling Ruth Carola Siegal Westheimer. Thank you for your love and inspiration.”
Another celebrity, the comedian Adam Sandler, wrote on social media, “Always loved Dr Ruth. Going to miss her a lot. She always made us smile. Sending love to her family and thanks for everything.”
Westheimer was a member of the Reform Hebrew Tabernacle Congregation in Washington Heights and the Conservative Synagogue Adath Israel of Riverdale, and often worshiped at Central Synagogue in Midtown.
“I first met Dr Ruth in college at an intimate gathering for students,” Rabbi Angela Buchdahl, the senior rabbi at Central Synagogue, wrote on Instagram, sharing a photo of her and Dr. Ruth from a screening of the 2019 documentary “Ask Dr. Ruth.” “Her 4’7” frame couldn’t contain her joyful, passionate love of life. And I will never forget her advice to us tired, lonely college students: ‘Masturbate more!’…
“Fast forward 20 years and I was thrilled that Dr. Ruth became a regular worshipper at Central and in her last years, a ‘religious’ livestreamer,” Buchdahl continued. “Dr. Ruth embodied the resilience, strength, courage and chutzpah of our people. May her memory be a blessing.”
Esther Perel, the Jewish, Belgian-born sex and relationship therapist, attributed her career to Westheimer’s legacy, calling her “the grandmother of my dreams” in a social media tribute.
“I vividly recall the first time I encountered the spunky sex therapist with the exotic accent. I thought, ‘How wise! She is the myth-busting grandmother, the insightful foreigner who pierces the dark corners of another culture, and the refugee who has faced enough adversity to become fearless.’ To me, she was the woman who understood pain and loss, and who became the outspoken voice on the erotic,” she wrote.
“Her influence extended beyond the realm of sex; she embodied aliveness, vibrancy, pleasure, and joy,” she added. “Dr Ruth showed me there was more than the conventional path.”
The New York City Parks Department remembered Westheimer as “a friend of parks” on social media, and shared a picture of Westheimer standing in Fort Tryon Park in a tulip garden named in her honor. Her late husband Fred also has a bench dedicated to him in Fort Tryon Park; it’s where her granddaughter, Leora Einleger, got engaged to her now-husband, Elan Kane.
“Today, we mourn the loss of Dr Ruth, a longtime New Yorker and friend of parks, who fought for Fort Tryon Park and the parks of northern Manhattan with the same fire and humour that she displayed in life,” the Parks Department wrote on social media.
Westheimer was an active member of the YM-YWHA of Washington Heights and Inwood throughout her six decades in New York and served as a board member and president of the Jewish community centre.
“Dr Ruth changed the world as a Sex Therapist/Educator widely known for her start on radio in 1980. She cared deeply for her community, always trying to make it better,” the Y wrote on social media. “She made friends with everyone she met and made everyone feel special. She will be sorely missed but never forgotten.”
Westheimer was on the board of the Americans for Ben-Gurion University of the Negev, and in 2021 received an honorary doctorate from the Israeli institution.
“It is with deep sadness that we mourn the passing of Dr Ruth Westheimer, a cherished member of our A4BGU family,” Doug Seserman, the organisation’s chief executive officer, wrote in a press release. “Dr. Ruth, a Holocaust orphan who overcame immense adversity, became a trailblazer in the field of sex therapy and education. Her contributions transcended boundaries, impacting countless lives through her compassionate guidance and groundbreaking work.”
“The world feels a bit darker today with the loss of Ruth Westheimer,” the Museum of Jewish Heritage said in a statement, signed by its chief executive, Jack Kliger, and chairman of the board, Bruce Ratner. Westheimer served 20 years as a member of the museum’s board.
“As a Board member, she played an integral role in furthering our mission to educate, commemorate, and inspire future generations about the Holocaust and its lessons,” they continued. “Her commitment to preserving the memory of the Holocaust and ensuring that its history is never forgotten was unwavering.”
Joanna Gallai, a publicist for Anat Gerstein Inc, also worked with Westheimer at the museum. “She was passionate about helping raise awareness about the Museum’s new Auschwitz exhibition back in 2019, and I escorted her to interviews,” she told the New York Jewish Week. “She was a remarkable woman and a treasure — and I feel privileged to be one of the people who got to hold her purse!
“You know how they say, ‘never meet your heroes’? Well, that doesn’t hold for Dr Ruth. She made the world a better place and I truly hope her legacy can hold amid these tumultuous times.”
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